Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
this guy jus got head in a gas station bathroom from this fat chick with one leg
gross dude. was the guy blacked out drunk or something?
yeah and it only cost me 6 dollars
I wish i could go to google and type in drug dealers and it would bring up a number, a product and direction
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
Randomize
