She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Y'all let us switch shirts in the middle of 200 people....why did you let me get this drunk by noon?
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