yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
Randomize
