Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
We're playing Big Buck Hunter to determine who buys the next pitchers. And they said video games wouldn't help me later in life
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.
Your lack of great college experience of margaritas and foam parties scares me
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I swear I only fuck him for the huge bottle of smart water he gives me afterwards.
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