Riding a fattie is like riding a scooter, its ok just not in public.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
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