She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
Casey, if you want the continuing love of our mother, you're gonna need to stop drunk texting her from PCB.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
As soon as he called me 'darling' in that Scottish accent... my pants just dropped.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
