I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Randomize
