I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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