i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
She just sent me a picture of a heart. I need to stop fucking freshman...
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
