I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
as of this morning I have officially vommed on the highways of 6 different countries. It's a proud moment.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
My life is in shambles. Just made a grilled cheese in the microwave on a hot dog bun
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