If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
Randomize
