honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
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