I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with
Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
she's fucked both of my roommates but not me. i feel like I'm not part of the group anymore
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
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