Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Well, I guess this was as good a night as any to find out I don't know how to use my fire extinguisher.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
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