Dibs on passing out in front of the toilet.
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
