just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
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