can a staight man not wear seersucker in this town?
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
also since I use google voice my ads in gmail switched to DUI services after this conversation
Remember don't think of it as being an alcoholic until something bad happens.
Think of it as Mythbusters for people who say you're going to get arrested or die
I just got caught impersonating a t-Rex by my boss. Sadly he wasn't fazed by my behavior and acted like it was normal.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
