My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Nah I'm perfectly content solely banging the married bartender once a week.
That's practically a relationship for you
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
My life is pants optional.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
