it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
Randomize
