Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
I negotiated the purchase of an entire tray of like 50 jello shots for $8.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
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