Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
if you don't let us come over today i'm not taking the second plan b pill. your call.
You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
Just found out I have to work new year's eve. It's like one final 'fuck you' from 2009.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
Randomize
