my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
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