You Definitely drank the goldfish bowl like it was a giant margarita
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Just had a serious discussion with my ex-boyfriend about sexy nurse vs. sexy teacher. So score one for friendship I guess.
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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