Please don't use social media to get back at me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
This is actually a pretty big deal for him. I mean, he contacted a stranger out of concern for someone else instead of for sex.
That does show growth.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Yeah. That's the shitty part. God, I don't want to be a step mom. Sure I'm great with kids, but I just want unlimited sex and not have to worry about making friends with a fucking 7 year old.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
He obv doesn't know that telling a woman to chill will get him murdered
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize