so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I ain't lettin her quit anyway. We don't fuck enough for her to meet the housewife requirements
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
I'm eating cookie dough with a tongue depressor for lunch.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
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