i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize