he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
