do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I would wear his ballsack as a hat if he asked me to
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
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