Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
hungover + watching bobsledding = i just puked
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
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