Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
