is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I walked into cold stone and the guy started preparing a supersized birthday cake remix for "Mrs. Munchies"
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
