I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
CHAZ BONO WILL BE ON THE NEXT SEASON OF DANCING WITH THE STARS.
Internet Is back!
MY NEWS TRUMPS YOURS.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
Real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch buck Rodgers in Tuesday.
Jesus Christ you're perfect.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Randomize
