yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
i don't care who i fucked last night, until im at 43plus im not considering myself slutty
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Randomize
