can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I noticed it at one point and thought do I really wanna bang the guy with the phone holster .....of course I do
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
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