I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
I need to take my iPad to the Apple store (when this is all over). Do I need to delete all my dick pics/videos or are they used to stumbling across that sort of thing?
Randomize
