so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
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