woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
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