my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I'm not finished with being a sloppy white girl alcoholic. I didn't postpone having a husband and kids for sober weekends.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
You wouldn't eat with utensils. You insisted on making your own spoon out of a bendy straw and staples while singing "I'm a survivor" by Destiny's Child.
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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