Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Randomize
