i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.
Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
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