Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Randomize
