Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
How do you feel? I threw up in a towel. Also, a lot of other things.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Most girls get hit on with a $7.00 drink. You get hit on with a $750K plane.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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