I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
