No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
We were driving to yogurt express by state and these girls mooned is while they passed us and we saw full vag complete with tampon string dangling.
it makes more sense than having a misplaced asshole
im not talking about this
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I'm jealous, curious, and aroused. All at the same time.
My job here is done.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
