Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
smoked four grams out of a bong with a mixture of pool water and white rum. I applaud you for leaving before losing too many brain cells.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
A guy just picked up ur brother and carfied him away singing and im slight concern
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
