i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
It's like a party bus, but there's a glass, airtight wall separating the driver from the passengers, and once everyone's on, they pump vaporized THC into the cabin.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Yup on the verge of buzzed and drunk. I managed to make my way into my cat's box house to fall asleep. I'm comfortable
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Randomize
