just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
Is it totally terrible that I just signed up for classes and already found the guy I'm going to bang??
Randomize
