oh my god, i just wanna eat cake off your dick
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
I can't tell if my roommate is crying or having sex and the fact that there's anime in the background is only making this more confusing
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Randomize