I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I think my penis and your vagina just became best friends last night.
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
Randomize
