So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
