I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
She said I'm going to get you stoned and have you fuck me on the couch.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
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