Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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