Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
There's a patch of dead grass from where you would notoriously throw up after every good night in July. This summer was great.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
I’m sorry I pressured you for dick pics.
Randomize
