Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
If it makes you feel any better, I can't find the goldfish I dropped like five minutes ago.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize
