Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize