i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
ugh my stomach is so upset-- didn't get a chance to take a violent enough hangover shit at work
Randomize
